She is (not) okay… 😔
Sipping her americano, she just looked out of the window, no stars just the empty black sky just like her soul. It’s a Friday night and she didn’t want to hang out with her friends like she used to do. She just wanted to sleep or put on Netflix and zone out. It got harder for her to get out of bed every day. She didn’t feel like going to the gym. She didn’t practice her spiritual disciplines. She hated herself for it, but also had a little zest of life and increasingly growing depression. That’s what isolated her from others and she believed this is her life for the rest of the time. Worst of all, she had no idea how to break out of it and her pills didn’t seem to help either. Welcome to the train called depression. Let’s go for a ride. 🚶🏽♀️
The coast shapes the water, the water shapes the coasts. It all depends on where we grow up, who are around us, how our surroundings affect us. She had to face couple of traumatic incidents as a kid and as a teenager. Her parents split up when she was just 10 years old and she had relationship issues, she had trust issues, she had a lot to deal for a 20 year old. Within her soul lied her secrets, secrets she kept to herself. Things she didn’t want to let out, things she didn’t want to let others know in the fear of being judged. Is the society at fault? Of course yes.
In 2017, the World Health Organization estimated that 4.4% of the global population — more than 300 million people — suffer from depression, and that 3.6% of the global population — more than 250 million people — suffer from an anxiety disorder.
Yes, that’s the society she had to live but no one wanted to talk about it, no one wanted to listen. Her own mother didn’t know she was micro-dosing psilocybin. We just float above the trenches. No one wants to go to the bottom and talk about the causes, precaution. Why she stayed in her room by herself? Thats why.
She doesn’t remember when it all started, she doesn’t remember how. It’s not something she wanted, she wanted to be a happy kid as same as any other kid. It’s not her fault. She would go eat ice cream with her friends, she might laugh but deep down she always have the hollow feeling. That’s the thing with depression and anxiety: even when you’re happy, you know you’re still not okay.
She took her laptop searched for “How to deal with depression”, searched instagram posts with #depression. She saw some private chat groups. She decided to join. The girl who didn’t feel like being open to her mom could open herself to some strangers who she has never met face to face. This ain’t doing any good she knew it but what other options did she have? No one can complaint that the kids with depression, kids who decides to suicide doesn’t seek help from organizations stand to help them, it is not their fault. This is the 21st century. Two people who flirt on social media don’t have the guts to talk face to face and the authorities expect the victims to come searching for them and seek help? I don’t think so.
She was no different than any other kid with depression. She tried to sleep, she tried real hard. But she kept seeing nightmares, she was falling into the darkest and most ominous place she had in her mind and suddenly she gets stuck in this somber, shadowy hole where the sunlight has no access and there is no fresh breeze. She felt like an invisible rope twisting around her neck. Whenever she tried to get out of it, the walls and vines crawls under her skin like a parasite, filling her veins and running through her whole body. Her happy memories became distant memories that she could never walk back into. She started to wonder how does it feel to have an ordinary life. Even the most monotonous lifestyles of her friends seems very extravagant and desirable to her.
Sounds like your worst nightmare? This was her life for almost 2 years. But let me tell you a happy news She is a happy kid now. But how? How did she overcome? The first step of healing was to recognize her trigger. Every time she had a relapse, the first step she always did is to self-reflect on the triggers. Identifying the new triggers that have caused this enabled her to start avoiding them. Also she was lucky enough to have good people around her sooner or later who did not give up on her. They were around her whenever she needed mental support. They did not judge her, they did not underestimate her. She slowly became open with them. She was finally ready to be open to her mom as well. She couldn’t crawl out of that ominous place in one day after wallowing in the black sticky mud for months, and she was too weak to go through a big battle in such a short period of time. Instead, she started with the simplest of activities. At first she hated waking up, hated the sound of alarm, hated the rays of sunshine getting into her room through slightly open curtains. But she forced herself to change for good.
Eventually she was able to go the whole day without crying or leading herself to self destruction. It took a while to realise how much of a progress she has been making with those small actions, but at the same time she finally saw how important life is.
I am not here to say this is the miracle solution. All I can say is that these tiny actions helped her defeat the depression and all I can do is hope that it will support someone else who is trying to end their toxic relationships with Darkness. Small actions are the basis of a powerful evolution. ❤️
